3,285 days.
78,840 hours.
4,730,400 minutes.
283,824,000 seconds.
This is how long I’ve been her mother.
This is how long I’ve held her, kissed her soft cheeks and smelled the fragrance of God on her skin.
I’d no idea when she was plucked from the heavenlies and placed in my belly, the birthing that would occur.
On this day, June 18th, she was born.
On this day nine years ago, I was re-born.
Human life is a thousand births.
As the limits of my body stretched bigger and wider, the limits of my heart did too.
As this baby, this miraculous creation in tear-drop form from heaven, grew large inside me; so did a feeling I never knew existed — true, life-laying-down love.
Her name means Night Beauty and not because she came in the middle of the night.
Her crown sprung forth, from darkness into light.
Her existence springing beauty back into dark places.
Into night spaces.
Into the nothingness that once was and once looked like the better life.
Divine secrets are best kept hidden in wombs.
She’s the reason I’m not chasing pots of gold at the end of selfish rainbows anymore.
******
She sings a song this weekend; her birthday weekend.
It shocks my heart into rhythm.
We all find our hearts in spiritual AFib sometimes.
It’s an original song written and sung by @_Nightbirde — a three-time cancer survivor who is still waring against the disease threatening to take her life.
A song re-sung by Night Beauty — a former three-year-old girl who watched a three-year-battle with ALS take her daddy’s life three years ago.
A girl (my baby girl) whose DNA now cradles the same genetic mutant.
Sometimes God uses the combined suffering of others, to drive our own fingertips toward the hem of his garment.
Science tells me there’s a 50% chance I could loose her.
With a 50% chance of onset and 0% chance of survival, you don’t take one, single second of any one, single day for granted.
Instead, you take it one second at a time.
One minute at a time.
One hour at a time.
One day at a time.
Instead, you go for birthday drives and take birthday pictures.
You stare hard at the horizon and you smell deep the flowers.
And you document everything.
Every. Single. Thing.
And then you breathe deep.
And you thank God for the next moment and the next and the next…
It’s a song birthed from the depths of the shadows, somewhere far from the shallows.
A song she heard just this week but has understood for a little over three years now.
A song that squeezed this mother’s heart in twain.
Words fail to describe what happens to a hopeless heart revived.
Words fail to describe the transcendence that occurs when terrible suffering is trumped by the deepest joy.
Transcendent joy is the deepest vein that brings us back to the heart of God. Back to the heavenlies from whence we came.
Listen and be blessed.
******
3,285 days.
78,840 hours.
4,730,400 minutes.
283,824,000 seconds.
This is how long I’ve been her mother.
— And every milli-second I get with her more, is a song worth singing again and again and again.
The Messy Beautiful 
Absolutely beautiful! Her hands and angelic face truly shows her precious heart! ❤️❤️❤️💙
Thank you for sharing your “Night Beauty” today!
Happy Birthday precious one! 😊
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Thank you Karen!! I will tell her you said Happy Birthday! She is truly one of the sweetest angels God ever plucked from heaven 🤍
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1. Happy Birthday, Leelah!!
2. Thanks for the beauty of this post!
3. Thanks for sharing the hard.
4. Thanks for loving your kiddos so well and Chad so well that this world is a little brighter!
5. Thanks for loving those around you in a genuine and generous way!
6. Thanks for all you’re teaching me in every season you weather.
7. Thanks for trusting Leelah to the One above that knows how many more days there are! He is so in the details!
Love you!
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Hi lovey! I will tell her you said Happy Birthdsy and this list…wow! I’m blessed by YOU! I don’t pretend to know how or why God works the way he does but I do know I’m thankful you and I have been weaved together through it somehow🤍
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Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!!!
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Thank you so much sweet lady! We were so happy to have met you and your sweet family. Sam told me yesterday he missed his friends at the beach 😆🤍
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Again, your words have moved my soul. And thank you for sharing such a special moment with your sweet girl. The depth of emotion on her face shows how she relates so much to that song. Keep doing such an amazing job with your babies, momma. You are winning. Love you all so so big.
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Hi love! Soul-moving––that’s what this is all about! It moves mine too! After we heard that song and the story that accompanies it, I was a basket case for two days. I couldn’t even here the second piano chord play at the beginning of the song without tears streaming down my cheeks. Then to see her singing it. This mommas heart simply explodes! We love and miss you guys!
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Oh sweet Lori!! YOUR genuine love and optimism are such an inspiration to me and so many others. Thank you for your magnificant reminder to be grateful for every single blessing we receive from above and for always seeing the hand of God in your life.
Happy belated birthday to your precious little girl. May she enjoy today and many, many , many happy birthdays in the years to come.
Love and peace,
Joan
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Joan, your words encourage me! It’s sometimes a struggle to display both the messy parts and the beautiful parts of it all. The messy parts where SOOOO messy and soon I’ll be talking about that more. BUT the father is SO much more than the mess! He was, is and always will be before me, behind me, beside me and in me. Pray for me as I continue to walk down this writing road. That the father will make clear the paths along with the words I’m supposed to say.
I hope you and your precious family are doing wonderful!
Joyfully,
Lori J.
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I don’t cry often, like I used to. This touched my soul so deep that the tears just flowed. Leelah has a gift from above. She has blessed me. YOU bless me every time I read the words you have written. I too love that song and the journey of the beautiful woman who wrote it. Man…..God overwhelms me so good!! I love you Lori and Happy Birthday to your sweet girl!!!
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Girl I get it! It literally takes the spirit of God to produce tears in me most times and I have balled like a baby over this. There’s just something about the way God uses the deepest hurts to bring us closer to himself. It’s truly only something he could do!
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This story sings to my soul! Your Night Beauty is truly a beautiful force of both grace and fierce strength. And yes, thank you for reminding us all to cherish each millisecond that we have with all of our lovelies.
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We love you and your lovelies!! I am truly excited to see what amazing they all do al throughout their lives!
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